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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 22, 2014 9:55am-10:31am PDT

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(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. welcome to the report. it's good to have you here. folks-- (cheers and applause) folks, i don't know if you know it, folks, i don't know if you know it but that is dancing did that chanting, that incantation of my name at the beginning of the show puts us on a path to glory. yes, i said glide flap. much better than glide path. thanks for being here. you know i love the ladies. my opinion it's one of the top five out there. and this was a huge weekend
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in lady news. for starters. the first time since 29008 campaign hillary clinton was in iowa to announce that she was thinking about leaning towards maybe running. and of course, you know, you know the clinton machine, they announced it perfectly. >> i'm back! >> stephen: yes, hillary's back! and i think there is no better way to launch a campaign than with a catch-phrase from a 199 movie. >> i'm back! >> stephen: thank you for your service, randy cade. let it not be forgotten. that was almost as good as when bill clinton launched his '92 campaign with a catch phrase from a 1986 movie. >> i [bleep] anything that moves! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you for your service.
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of course, while there's a lot of talk that hillary could be our first female president, this past weekend we once again elected a strong female leader. >> welcome to the 2015 miss america competition. >> jon: . >> stephen: yes, miss america that one magical night a year atlantic city shows the world just how close you can come to turning a profit. the ladies were lucky. the hair was lovely, the teeth were high and firm. but the highlight of the night was the pop-up delivering fact doesoids about the contestants. miss virginia was terrified of frogs. miss massachusetts was attacked by a cheetah in zambia. miss florida slapped a shark as a kid. shark slapping. my god, when did that become a talent. >> she could have won it though. >> and this year's winner was miss new york. seen her, i believe-- seen
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here, i believe she's panhandling. now again, the lovely miss new york, but for my money based on talent alone last night's winner was miss ohio. >> supercalifragilisticexpiali- docious. supercalifragilisticexpiali- docious ♪ ♪ supersuperdocious ♪ thank you, there is your miss america right there. >> the way she can sing a whole song without blinking? thank you for your service, madame. now folks, i have been steeped in the history of scotland ever since brave came out on itunes. thank you for your service, merida. that's why i'm riveted to all the news from the lands of kilts and hagis where
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this thursday citizens will rock 5-- walk 500 miles an walk 500 more to-- ♪ ♪ folks, (laughter) i'll take it. they're voting on their future. >> we are just 72 hours away from a once in a lifetime vote on scottish independence. >> scotland will vote this week on whether to sever 100-year-old ties with britain and become an independent nation. >> after 307 year its scotland could break a which from the rest of britain. >> stephen: that's right, scotland could actually secede. i didn't even know they ha had-- slaves. at issue is whether scotland will be able to control their own tax and social security rates and decisions about the level and allocation of public
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spending. this is an emotionally charged struggle which traces its roots to the days of william will as-- wallace. >> they may take a life but they'll never take our freedom to calculate pension benefits based on inflation or earnings, whichever is higher! (cheers and applause) freedom! and the stakes, and the stakes of our young scotland. a vote for separation would mean the near resignation of british prime minister david cameron. back in 2012 cameron agreed to the independence vote as a calculated gamble. and if he loses scotland he'll have to make it up by winning india back at the crap table. folks, any time people are and rely demanding something and i don't entirely understand why, i'm with them. as an irish american i knew
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all too well, what it's like to suffer under the boot of an indifferent monarchy. answer my letters, prince. i would die for you. and it is looking good for the pro independence yes scotland campaign. the polls were running against secession until recently when 47% of those surveyed said yes to independence while 45% said no, while another 8% said something no one else outside of glass go could possibly understand. i'm not saying the road to independence won't have a wee bump. for instance, scotland wants to keep using the british pound. but england's chancellor of the exchequer says no farthing way. >> scotland walks away from the u.k., it walks away from the pound. >> stephen: meaning the new country would have to revert to traditional scottish currency, slabs of peat moss
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stamped with sean connery's face. (laughter) but-- [bleep] but scotland is totally ready to rock out with its lock out. the scots jacked up with england-- shacked up back in 1706 after they went broke fridaying to con ol-- colonize panama. but after the last 32 years scotland has generated more tax per capita than the u.k. as a whole. so on their own they would be one of the world's 20 wealthiest countries. hi no idea they sold that much adhesive tape so i stand with my secessionist brothers. today i stephen colbert in a proud scotsman ich bin ein edinburgher. (cheers and applause) now and now (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (laughter) (cheers and applause) within scotland's road to independence is sure to be a breeze. here to tell me just how breezy it's going to be is assistant u.s. editor of the guardian matt wells. matt, thanks so much for being here. matt, guardian, england's newspaper. do you think that scotland should secede. >> yes, i think scotland should succeed and secede. >> stephen: what's the difference? >> look, the union has
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lasted 307 years. and for much of that time it's britain and scotland very well indeed. but the ties that band the union together things like the british empire, the british statehood that went with a century of fighting two world wars, they have faded now. and the institutions have released them and feel distant and discredited. >> stephen: will it be good for everybody? for them to secede? >> yeah. >> stephen: is that going to be positive for scotland and england? >> it will be very good for scotland. and i don't think it will be bad for england. as the gdp of scotland is per capita $2,300 pounds greater than it is in england. >> stephen: is that in metric because i don't convert. >> yes. >> stephen: what is that in inches. >> scotland is a low population, resource rich country. we have a great resources. very much untapped root
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resources. >> stephen: do you wish david cameron harm? (laughter) >> no. i mean the guardian is a progressive leftist newspaper. >> stephen: you would like to stick a knife in him. you see chaos. would this be chaos for the people in england. >> i think will be difficult. >> stephen: is that an english word for firebombing or something like that. difficult, what does difficult mean in england. >> frank lick it will be cataclysmic for them. >> stephen: you want this because it is a good story for you. >> it will be a great story. >> stephen: you're open to the ses session the same reason people watch nascar. >> david cameron-- . >> stephen: hoping that the car will just slam not wall. you're cutting the brabling cables of scotland. >> david cameron based his reputation on saving the union. he was the one who granted the referendum in the first place it was his decision to make the slate yes or no question. >> stephen: why did he do that? why did he do that. >> massive political miscalculation which now looks as if it might backfire in his face.
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>> stephen: why did he do it? >> because at the polls at the time suggested that only 30% of people in scotland supported independence. david cameron, what some people might say was political arrogance thought that he could easily win. that the -- it would be united against the upstart nationalists. they would be easily defeated. >> stephen: could the queen have done something to stop it? what if she had worn a different hat? >> yes. >> stephen: or waved slightly differently or something. >> the role of the queen is really interesting and whether, an her views as well. >> stephen: where does she fall on this. >> she did intervene in the debate on sunday coming out of church near her estate in scotland where she spends the summer. she said to a well wisher who asked her what she thought of the referendum, overheard by the press she said that she thought that
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scots voting on thursday should think very carefully indeed about their future. >> stephen: oh my god. (laughter) >> stephen: that is a smackdown from the queen. that is the equivalent of saying well, do you feel lucky, punk? matt, thank you so much. matt wells from the guardian. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) i love human women, so i use old spice to smell like a real human man. [people gasping] is this seat taken? it is now. it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it. we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate. a lifeline for so many people. it is more than a community. it is a family. there's always a hug.
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it's no wonder more people choose delta than any other airline. this jolly rancher.s for untamed fruit flavor. dheers plaus. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, nation, folks, you know, i have always, i've said this before, i have always been suspicious of washington think tanks. too much think, not enough tank. (laughter) but this week i learned that there is something even worse than being a tin stroking intellictu,-nerd. >> "the new york times" flup is now reports that more than a dozen prominent washington research groups, think tanks took tens of millions of dollars in foreign government money in recent years.
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some foreign countries were essentially trying to buy influence, paying those think tanks to put their position in a positive light. or to gain influence with lawmakers. >> stephen: yes, foreign governmenters are buying influence, but good news america has an export. and folks, the corruption by supposedly independent think tanks like the brookings institution goes deep. for instance,-- after qatar agreed to make a donation to brookings, a visiting fellow said he has been told during his job interview that he could not take positions critical of the qatari government. and his only accepted pronunciations of the country. like cutter, gutter, cuh-tar or quisnos. and arrd cording to the report japan gave 1.1 million for research and consulting for trade and direct investments between japan and the united states. when asked why, a japanese
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embassy spokesman explained japan is not necessarily the most interesting subject around the world. nothing interesting about japan. take away the whaling, the sex robots and strapping meats to the heads of teenage girls-- other than that, it's basically ohio. but the number one foreign influence buyer is, say it with me, norway. why didn't you-- the damn norouies committed at least $24 million to an array of washington think tanks over the past four years to raise norway's profile. including donations to the center for global development, the atlantic council and the brookings institution. which explains this footage. some brooks recent symposium on eradicating global hunger. i'm sorry, i'm being told that that chef is actually
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swedish. which is apparently not the same thing as norwegian? okay, my mistake. norway should really do something to raise its profile. we'll be right back [ male announcer ] welcome to no man's land. it's a place you've been before, but it's not on any map. so go out there, lose yourself, and find the truth. ♪
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight plays a guy og/gyn on her sitcom the mindy project. i'll ask her where babies come from. please welcome mindy kaling. thank you very much. hey, miss kaling, thank you so much for coming on. >> i am so glad we didn't wear the same skirt. all right, thanks for coming here. i am an enormous fan, my whole family is. we love watching the show, i don't think there is anything on tv like it and one of the things i like about the show -- >> thank you. >> stephen: you're welcome. we can compliment each other if you want to say something nice about me. >> i have never seen your legs before. >> stephen: what do you
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think? (cheers and applause) >> they're very becoming. >> stephen: thank you very much. that's very nice, a lovely dress you're wearing. >> thank you. >> stephen: you're welcome. i think maybe we should stop now. >> okay. >> stephen: you get a lot of props, okay, for-- for, you write this show. you produce this show. you star in this show. and you're a powerful woman making it happen for herself. is that the language that i should use about you? >> yeah, i love that. >> stephen: you're a sister doing it for herself. (cheers and applause) do you enjoy speaking for all women or for all people of color? (laughter) >> that's a great question. i do feel some responsibility that i like being, being able to do that. and i think people who have a really cool job like mine
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it's lame to say you don't want to be a role model. but it can be a lot it can feel overwhelming at times too. >> stephen: you play an og/gyn on this show. >> yes. >> stephen: do you have any medical training? >>. >> no, no. and thank god, no. >> stephen: did you always want to be a tv doctor or did you hope to grow up and be a tv lawyer or something like that? did your parents want you to be an actress? >> they wanted to be able to brag about me to the people where they work. so-- . >> stephen: at what point could they do that? >> because you're also, you're also emmy nominated actress, writer and eight years on the office, wrote 24 episodes and directed two of those. (cheers and applause) >> that was very nice, thanks. >> stephen: is that the tipping point for you? does the parent brag tipping point? >> you know, i think when the office was on because they loved the show some of and they were obsessed with steve carell they got to come and be on the show as
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actors. >> stephen: that's incredible. >> yeah, that's nepotism. that's what like i-- i did that and so they-- . >> jon: jon stewart is my uncle. that's how i got started. (applause) i love it. >> yeah. >> stephen: now you got a little controversy lately. because some people criticized you because you said that perhaps as an og gyn you don't do like the transvaginal trawl sounds on the show, you don't deal with the question of abortion on your show. >> yeah. >> stephen: you said something very interesting. >> well, i said that you know, my show is as much about gynecology as the office was about paper. and i think that a lot of women like look to me and look to the show as they want me to be a spokesperson for a lot of issues. and i actually think that that is a responsibility that i think is cool. like i want to live up to that. at the same time, abortion is not a hilarious subject.
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and-- . >> stephen: a funny word. >> it's a funny word. >> stephen: like guacomole. (laughter) (applause) >> but i guess-- . >> stephen: i can understand. >> no, but i mean like i want to-- i want to be able to talk plainly about things but i also want to create an entertaining show. we haven't found a hilarious take on abortion that is saying something new yet. but we might. >> stephen: without any spoilers, this year tell me what happens? (laughter) i mean, do you-- do you-- i understand this season gets a little sexy. >> it does. >> stephen: do you have a sexy time this year? >> i do. there's a lot of-- my costar our characters start dating this year. and it was funny because when we first did it i used to have a revolving door of good looking boyfriends on the show. >> stephen: why wouldn't you. you are the executive producer, why wouldn't you do that.
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>> i mire high parents, actress to come on the show and make out with me. but i-- so this year we're like oh, will it be boring, like i've never been married. so oh, is monogamy like a boring thing because you're just like with this and it's not. >> stephen: no, it's superexciting all the time. >> in our show-- laugh of laugh. >> i'm going to take that at face value. >> stephen: honest to god t is. >> as it turns out the character is kind of a pervert and so is mine so it's kind of funny and sexy. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: i think i might watch that. >> okay. >> stephen: the new season starts tomorrow night. >> tomorrow night. >> stephen: all right. well, thank you for being here. and again, speaking for all women and people of color, i look forward to it. thank you so much. >> thank you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: mindy kaling, the mindy project airs tuesdays 9:30 on fox. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. thank you so much.
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ i don't want to go to this stupid party! come on, stan, you're gonna have a great time. no, you guys are gonna have a great time. whenever there's a party, the adults get to have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzels.
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well, your mom and i don't get out much, so you'll just have to bear through it. [ doorbell rings ] hello! welcome! m'kay? this is already a wild party! yeah, well, sorry we had to bring the kid along. we had nowhere else to put him. oh, that's okay. i've got a special kids' room down in the basement. aw! be sure to help yourself to the crab soufflé and the -- juanita! juanita! we need some more finger sandwiches! i don't want to hang out in the kids' room. i won't know anybody! it'll be good for you to make new friends. you can't just hang out with your buddy kyle all the time. people will think you guys are, you know, funny. i bet you'll have a great time. here we go. it's right in here. [ gasps ] [ bernard herrmann's "psycho" music plays ] we'll be upstairs if you need anything, stan. you can't leave me here. these guys are total melvins. have fun, stanley! mom, please, they're the geekiest kids at school! we'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts.
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[ british accent ] cheerio, stan! i do say, it's quite a nicesurp. shut up, pip. hey, stan. why, i sure am glad you're here 'cause then we'll have even more fun than we was havin' before. we were having an awfully good time before you showed up, too, however. butters, is there any way out of here? nope, no way out. but there ain't nothing upstairs but a ol' stupid party, anyways. it's better down here in the kids' room! this here is dougie. he's not too old, but he sure is a hoot to hang with. he's in first grade, i think. i like math. oh, my god. we were just playing a game called "wickershams 'n' ducklers." do you want to play? no. i'm the head wicker-knicker. and you are all little wickershams. we all sing the merry tune of stratford until i yell "churrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and i join you as i find it funny, too. stan, would you be the wickersham of brumble briar? all right, here we go. ♪ whippy-tippy too-too, tra la la la ♪ ♪ whippy-tippy too-too, tra la la la ♪ ♪ whippy-tippy too-too, tra la la la ♪ great party, mr. mackey. mr. hat just grabbed principal victoria's ass. no! mr. hat, you get back here! anyone for some meteor mai tai punch?
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it packs quite a wallop. oh, i'll pass. i don't drink hard alcohol. come on, loosen up! meteor showers only come once in a great while. one little drink isn't gonna hurt anything, honey. come on, live a little! well, it is kind of a special night. i guess i could... experiment. yeah, experiment! ♪ whippy-tippy too-too, tra la la la ♪ ♪ wickersham, tallyho ♪ are you sure you don't want to play, stanley? yes. what are you, a sourpuss? you really oughta play, stan. it's an awfully fun game. i've never been to england, but i'll bet the people there are real nice. are people nice in england, pip? i bet they are. they got those thick noses and all. hey, look at this! what is it? is it something neat? i wonder what it could be. with ladies' clothes.ed neato! hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes? why, we could play "charlie's angels." oh, dude, you've got to be kidding me. oh, yes! let's! can i be jaclyn smith? can i? no, i get to be jaclyn smith. see, i thought of "charlie's angels." and i get to be jaclyn smith 'cause i thought of it. oh, this sounds as fun as wickershams 'n' ducklers. come on, angels, let's get dressed. which ladies' garments would you like, stan? dude, i'm not putting on ladies' clothes, and i'm not playing "charlie's angels."
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you guys are melvins, and i'm not one of you. you go ahead and be melvins and leave me alone. well... all righty, then. here it is. i just had the hot tub put in last week. wow, neat! it looks quite inviting. yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub. oh, mr. mackey, you nut! hell, we should get in! yeah! sure, go ahead. it's a party, isn't it, m'kay? oh, i'm not hot-tubbing. i have nothing to wear. [ laughs ] that's okay. no hot tub for me. well, screw you guys! i'm getting in for a while, too! geronimo! oh, look at our boys, sheila. it's just like they're in college again. okay, angels, what's our mission this week? well, i don't know what our mission is. do you know what our mission is? how should i know? oh, dear. we're charlie's angels, but we don't have a mission. hey, that's because we need bosley. bosley always told the angels what their mission was. remember bosley? why, we need somebody to be bosley. what?


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